Clowns & Guns

I ended the last post with a conversation w/Alexey about getting him a dress. Since I wasn’t about to pay $40 for a dress he saw in the pricey catalog, I told him he can wear one of mine. It is a dress I wore for his christening (which I was against). When he woke up from his nap, we put it on, took some pictures, he walked a bit around and took it off. As he walked downstairs to my aunt’s, I asked him if he liked his dress and he said “yeah.” This is simple, for now.


1. Age 4 ½ - Topic “Fun with clowns” (look up)

We had a good time with the kids on Purim at the local Jewish center where we worked on creating these super fierce clowns. The one on the left was Alexey's creation and as we walked home, we had the following conversation.

Simone: Alexey, the clowns look awesome, what do you want to name them?

Alexey: I want to name mine Purknetta

Simone: Purknetta?! That's an...interesting name.

Alexey: Well that's his name..You see he's a boy, because he is wearing pants.

Simone: Anyone can wear pants, you see Ark's clown is wearing pants and I'm naming her Cleopatra.

Alexey: Fine, mine is a boy.

Simone: They're clowns, they don't need a gender. Purknetta can be a boy, a girl or a transgender person...

The clowns now hang on the wall in my mother's apartment, next to seashells Alexey stuck to the wall with scotch tape, incidentally.

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2. Age 4 ½ - Topic “Girls and Video Games”


We were standing on the B3 bus stop looking into a window of a Chinese restaurant that had some men playing video games inside. Alexey was especially interested because he saw guns being used on the screen and he finds guns interesting since we’re pretty anti-gun around the house. He was looking over and said..


Alexey: Look, Mommy, there are guns shooting…

Simone: I know, it’s a field day for you, J even if you know I think guns are stupid.

Alexey: Are people shooting people?

Simone: It’s a game, you play and pretend to shoot people. It’s not good to do in real life.

Alexey: There are no girls that are shooting.

Simone: Why do you think that is?

Alexey: Girls don’t shoot.

Simone: Actually, Alexey, girls do shoot. In fact, last century Russian women were considered some of the best snipers in the world. And women serve in the army.

Alexey (noting a girl shooting on the screen): Oh look! There is a girl shooting. And I thought girls don’t shoot.

Simone: Well, this is a good example of adjusting your views when presented with evidence. Even though I don’t like people using guns, Alexey, I must say that people of all genders own and use guns.
Process: This particular conversation was also difficult to have because I didn't want to go into particular depth about people using guns or what guns are used for but I had to tell him that all people are capable of using them. I consider random usage of guns to be an ugly thing but I don't want my son to think that women are somehow immune from being this ugly.

Gnomes, Snowflakes and Dresses.

Contrary to popular belief, Alexey and I don't often discuss anything having to do with gender because no particular issues come up. In this next blog entry, I will post the only conversations we have had since my first blog post in November. I do think the frequency of the conversations will shoot up in the coming years.

1. Age: 4 Topic "Roles for Winter Play"

Alexey: For this year’s Winter Play, all the girls will be snowflakes and all the boys will be gnomes.

Simone: Why can’t any of the girls play gnomes?

Alexey: Because they’re snowflakes…

Simone: Why are only the girls snowflakes?

Alexey: Because it’s for girls – they have a delicate song to sing

Simone (surprised at his choice of the word ‘delicate’): And gnomes aren’t delicate?

Alexey (on a tangent, spreading his legs): Look at how hard my penis is

Simone: I know, that’s normal – it’s often like that in the morning, remember?

Alexey: Because blood comes out of it?

Simone: No, as I taught you, there is blood inside your body and when you have an erection, when your penis gets hard and swollen, that means blood got drawn to that part of your body and then when it becomes soft again, that means blood went elsewhere…

Alexey:…And this one girl will be Snow White

Simone: I think for the Winter Holidays, I’ll be a gnome too - a large gnome and I will eat you for dinner, om nom nom

Alexey (Laughs): And Alex will be a gnome too, okay?

Simone: What will Ark be?

Alexey: He’ll be a tiny tiny tiny little gnome because he’s a boy too.

Simone: I don’t get this separation because of gender – why can only boys be gnomes and girls be snowflakes?

Alexey: Because.

Simone: Why?

Alexey: That’s what Tanya said.

Simone: Well, it’s not like snowflakes have a gender – they’re snow, part of nature, as are we, so anyone can play a snowflake, right?

Alexey: …Tanya said…

Simone: Oh, Tanya said this and Tanya said that…

Alexey laughs

Simone: Well, your mother says otherwise, it’s so arbitrary..and gnomes…of course girls can be gnomes, they can be anything, delicate or not.

Alexey: Some people took off Halloween decorations and some people didn’t.

(Hey, no one said he stays on topic).

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2. Age: 4 ½ Topic "Clothing in a Mini Boden catalog"

(Looking through the girls’ clothing section)

Alexey: I want this (pointing to a pink shirt with an ice cream cone)

Simone: Ok, we’ll put a star next to it

Alexey: And I want this dress

(I notice myself hesitating before putting a star next to the dress because I am not sure if he understands it’s a dress)

Alexey: And I want this girl

Simone: We can’t buy girls, Alexey…

Alexey: And I want these pants (blue loose fitting cropped pants)

Simone: I know, I liked those too earlier, I circled these pants

Alexey (seeing the pants on a girl in the next picture): but it’s for girls! Look, girl wearing…

Simone: So what, she’s a child, you can wear them too

Alexey: I don’t want to look anymore

Simone: Okay, but this dress from before, you sure you want it?

Alexey: Yeah

Simone: I can get it for you but you probably won’t be able to wear it to pre-school

Alexey: Why?

Simone: Well you know your father and I won’t care and we don’t think that way but your teachers in pre-school will probably say ‘dresses are just for girls’ and I don’t want you to hear crap from the other kids, either…But, we’ll get you one anyway, you can wear it at home for sure…maybe, your grandmother and I can make you one later tonight, okay?

Alexey: Okay!...Can I draw now?

Simone: Here’s a Victoria’s Secret catalog (I know I’m horrible), draw on it

Alexey: Okay, I will draw a turkey and food for turkey.

Process: I felt like a coward letting him know that it's probably better to not wear a dress to pre-school and have to face all those kids and educators. He's at such a tender age, I just don't know sometimes. I also felt that my aunt who would be the first person to ask to sew his dress (as she's a seamstress) would think I'm insane and tell him so, as well. I think I will have more luck with my mom around this issue but only because my father is no longer alive.

Gender Conversations w/Alexey - the beginning.

It is worth a mention that Alexey understands he's a boy to the degree that he can conceptualize anything but that he has learned this from other people - there are other people that care for him and he does attend pre-school since the age of 2. Further, some conversations I include will be about the physical body or the issue of sexuality because I think it is all interconnected and many of the issues are over-simplified given my son's age and that these concepts are very hard for adults to wrap their minds around. So far, Alexey and I have had 4 conversations in relation to gender:

1. Age ~3 years old - Topic "Hair"

Backdrop: Alexey has really long hair and I wanted to put it in a pony tail because it was getting in his eyes.

Alexey: No, I don't want a ponytail!

Simone: Why not?

Alexey: Tanya (head teacher at preschool) says it's just for girls...

Simone: What do you mean it's just for girls? Remember when your father had really long hair and you played with his ponytail all the time?

Alexey: Yeah..

Simone: So, it's not just for girls - anyone can have a ponytail: girls, you, horses...because anyone that has hair sometimes might want to put it in a hairband...I'll make you a ponytail and next time you talk to Tanya, just let her know that she simply doesn't know how to make ponytails for boys and that your mother does.

Process: He still doesn't like to wear his hair in ponytails but didn't care when Lala, Justine and I put a bunch of braids in his hair for the fun of it.

2. Age: 4 - Topic "Ability to Birth"

Backdrop: Since he sees me naked all the time and because he knows what breasts are for but is confused a bit about why they're so big and that he doesn't have breasts like me. He thinks they're full of breast milk all the time and asks me to squeeze milk out like he used to see me do when Ark was little.

Alexey: If there is no milk in your breasts, why are they so large and feel full?

Simone: Because breasts are made out of different kinds of tissue, there is fat and muscle and other things inside...

Alexey: When will my breasts be like yours?

Simone: It is probably that your chest will never develop the way mine did.

Alexey: Why not?

Simone: Because people have different bodies - some people classify bodies into categories like 'boys' and 'girls' and explain differences that way. They would say you have a boy body and I have a girl body. Some girl bodies have children like when you were inside of me in my uterus.

Alexey: When will I have something inside my tummy?

Simone: Because you don't have a uterus, you will not be able to carry children inside but you will, if you want children, contribute to a child inside another person...

Alexey: :(

Process: It was hard for me have this conversation because I didn't have a 'boy body' thing to tell him that can be as cool as 'having something inside you grow' and I remember mentioning to Alex that there was no equivalent for a male body for me to share - it's not like I can say 'oh but you...you can pee standing up' and have it mean as much.

3. Age: 4 - Topic "Toys"

Backdrop: Looking through a toys catalog, Alexey skips over the overwhelmingly pink page of 'girl toys'.

Alexey: I don't want these, these are girl toys.

Simone: Why do you say that?

Alexey: Because they're girl toys, only girls play with them...

Simone: Alexey, toys are just toys - they don't know, because they're objects, if they are girl or boy toys so if you want something of this page, we can buy it because then they will be your toys and not girl toys.

Process: This conversation irked me as well, thought for a different reason, because I feel outside forces shaping my child and limiting his understanding of the world and of things he might desire and it's hard for me to deal with.

4. Age: 4 1/2 - Topic "Tights"

Backdrop: Ever since he was an infant, when it's cold, Alexey wears tights under his jeans or pants and in his closet, next to the pile of pants and to the pile of socks, is a pile of tights - some of the tights are pink with red polka dots.

Alexey: Why do I have those tights?

Simone: Which tights?

Alexey: Those ones - the ones the color of a pig (I love my kid).

Simone: Your pink tights?

Alexey: Yeah

Simone: You've always had them and tights of other colors, you wear them when it's cold outside.

Alexey: But pink is a color for girls.

Simone: Why is that?

Alexey: Because that's what Angelina (girl at pre-school) said.

Simone: Well, pink is just a color and anyone can wear it, not just girls.

Alexey: And tights are just for girls...

Simone: Tights are not just for girls - maybe in America, people think tights are just for girls but when I was little, my brother and I and every other kid wore tights in Russia because it was the norm and it was cold there so different cultures say different things about that kind of thing...did you know that 50 years ago, pink was the 'boy color' and blue was the 'girl color'?

Alexey: no (laughs)

Simone: Well, it was and then it all changed around. The point is whenever someone tells you something is a 'boy thing' or a 'girl thing', always ask "Why?" and if they can't give you a good reason, you don't have to listen to them as long as you form your own opinion. Do you hear me

Alexey: (hanging with his head off the bed, legs up in the air) ya...I hear you

Simone: You worry more about the kind of person you are, that you are happy and kind to others rather than what color is only for girls and what Angelina says about boys. And always question everything your grandmother, your father or mother teach you and if something doesn't make sense, logically, don't waste your energy on it.

Process: I felt good about this conversation because I acknowledge his dislike for the pink tights (a new dislike, he's worn them for years) and explained cultural differences and began the conversation that people assign things to boys and to girls for different reasons.